“Incomprehensible jargon is the hallmark of a profession.”

The quote is courtesy of Kingman Brewster via Thinkexist.com.

I joined a gym, or a fitness spa if you prefer. I had my complimentary "30 minute fitness evaluation," I put it in quotes because they didn't really evaluate anything, it was more of a selling pitch for a line of supplements that they sell in the gym. Something called APEX; they make protein mix, and meal bars and all manner of disgusting things that I can ingest to make me look and feel good about myself.

While I was sitting in this little evaluation though, I was hit with a thought. The guy that was talking to me spoke entirely in jargon. Incomprehensible jargon. The kind of jargon, that contextually you think you know what it means, you fool yourself into believing you know what it means, and you slowly nod along and say, "hmmm," and, "ahhh," at all the right times so that the guy doesn't think you are a moron - because I know the last place I want to feel like a moron is in a fitness club. So when I left I didn't know anything more about my fitness goals than I do know. I eat like shit. I don't really exercise as well as I should, and I am effectively a lazy person (point in case I am using this posting as an excuse to NOT go to the gym I joined three days ago. Very dubious start.)

But my favorite part of the interview, jargon aside, was this question, "So how serious are you about your fitness goals?"

What kind of an answer is that supposed to solicit? I wanted to look that guy square in the mug and say, "Not very, I just feel like plunking down $700 bucks on a gym, excuse me fitness spa, is something I had to do today. But in all reality, if my past is any indicator of my future, you will see me in here for about three weeks, get to know my name and then I will become a fucking phantom and be too embarrassed to come in and then I will just stop showing up all together."

I would have loved to see the look on his face when I gave him that response. What I actually said though wasn't too far off my reply was more like this, "I don't know, I just signed a one-year contract at your gym, so as I am sitting here at your desk on Wednesday I would say that I am pretty serious, but ask me again in three weeks."

I don't think he had ever encountered a smart-ass of my caliber before. In fact I am sure of it, the rest of the interview was pretty terse. I asked him some rudimentary questions, my favorite being, "Do you advocate cardio before strength or the other way around?" He said it was better to do strength training first because it takes muscle coordination that might be exhausted if I did my cardio training first. I don't know why I asked the question, I think because I am a tool and wanted him to think I was smart or something.

While I was at the gy... fitness spa (I shit you not that is what they call it, they also call their personal trainers Fitpros) I realized I was in blog posting heaven. The absurdity of this place was awesome. The best part was the music video station they have playing. It played a power 80's set of Howard Johnson, Dexy's Midnight Runner, Oingo Boingo, Duran Duran. It was a great way to round out my workout. The funniest video was the HoJo video because the video, Everlasting Love, featured two mummies wandering around London (I think) and doing everyday things: buying ice cream, playing racquetball, going to office meetings, HAILING A TAXI CAB?! It was brilliant. The infancy of videos and nobody, NOBODY knew what they had on their hands. But I can tell what I thought. If any of those bands had tried to come out and release a hit single today they would all be fucked. FUCKED! Nobody would listen to them, because they are all ugly white dudes.

I am going to start reading other people's blogs more frequently and leaving messages, because apparently (my special lady friend tells me) that doing that will make this blog feel less futile. So to that end I am going to start a shameless plug footer at the end of every posting with a blog and why I like them.

Today’s winner is:
Sarah and the Goon Squad
Why I like it?
This is a person who is funny and honest about parenting. One of her postings involves vomit and raisins; I will let you read all about it, short but well worth it. But the reason I relate to it is because I grew up with twin sisters and I remember what it was like and it was fun and I love my sisters, but holy jeebus.