The things I've seen... you can't unsee...
Tonight was a fucking train wreck. T-r-a-i-n-w-r-e-c-k!
I don't know where to start the night, so I will start with last night just before bed I was reading a book by a Nobel Prize winner and in the first 50 pages a man ejaculates into the mouth of another man. Normally I am not squeamish about this stuff but it certainly threw me off the beam.
I had a weird dream last night where I was in the hospital with, in the dream, my ex-wife, who is not my current wife and we were debating about child names and finally we couldn't agree so I told her, "Look you bitch, come up with something or I will name the baby Fuckhead and you will raise him alone with a birth certificate that says Fuckhead or call him Jr. and name him after me. I don't care, but do something quick before I burn this hospital to the fucking ground." I remember the last line of dialog in the dream so well because I woke up and thought my house was on fire. Somebody had a really pungent fire going outside and so... well naturally I woke in a start and the last line of dialog was ingrained in my head.
Fast forward through work, which was fine, only 17 more shows until New Year's Eve.
To dinner. Holy Shit. When I lived in New York there was this ad for a restaurant called Augie's, which is this gigantor portions shitty Italian food family style place. They had this horrific ad with 5 of the biggest fattest guys sitting around a table and eating food, salad, pasta, meat parmigiana, it didn't matter. (Actually one of the funnier bits in the ad is this guy eating a mixed green salad, and he has this look on his face that says fuck you salad, I am going to eat you 'cuz you're here.) And then these specimen of American culinary culture gone horribly awry walk out of the joint with these trash bags of extra food -- The Augie Doggie Bag -- and the sad, lone sister walks out last with this look of sheepish embarrassment.
So anyway, with the mood all set for you, I sat next to that family tonight. Not literally, of course. But figuratively, it was a man his 5 sons and a daughter and the oldest son ate -- I shit you not -- a double cheeseburger with most of the fries, a piece of salmon covered in the cream sauce, and a half of portion of past and meatballs. I was at Cheesecake Factory. That may not mean much to most of you, but to those of you who have been to a Cheesecake Factory near your hamlet you will know that they make an effort to put at least 48 ounces of food on each plate. It was appalling; this kid is going to die at the age of 22 because of overeating. Anyway, aside from the revolting amount of food that this kid ate (I will not begin to mention the way it wasn’t eaten, I am just not strong enough yet) he had this thing with his napkin that I found mildly vomit inducing. His napkin sat in the middle of the table. So, every time he wanted to wipe his mouth, he had to reach across the table to pick up his napkin. And one point he dropped a piece of cheeseburger in his water (or sprite) and just fished it out and kept eating and drinking. Honestly, it is the most disgusting thing I have ever witnessed.
If that kid is the future of America, we are all doomed.
I don't know where to start the night, so I will start with last night just before bed I was reading a book by a Nobel Prize winner and in the first 50 pages a man ejaculates into the mouth of another man. Normally I am not squeamish about this stuff but it certainly threw me off the beam.
I had a weird dream last night where I was in the hospital with, in the dream, my ex-wife, who is not my current wife and we were debating about child names and finally we couldn't agree so I told her, "Look you bitch, come up with something or I will name the baby Fuckhead and you will raise him alone with a birth certificate that says Fuckhead or call him Jr. and name him after me. I don't care, but do something quick before I burn this hospital to the fucking ground." I remember the last line of dialog in the dream so well because I woke up and thought my house was on fire. Somebody had a really pungent fire going outside and so... well naturally I woke in a start and the last line of dialog was ingrained in my head.
Fast forward through work, which was fine, only 17 more shows until New Year's Eve.
To dinner. Holy Shit. When I lived in New York there was this ad for a restaurant called Augie's, which is this gigantor portions shitty Italian food family style place. They had this horrific ad with 5 of the biggest fattest guys sitting around a table and eating food, salad, pasta, meat parmigiana, it didn't matter. (Actually one of the funnier bits in the ad is this guy eating a mixed green salad, and he has this look on his face that says fuck you salad, I am going to eat you 'cuz you're here.) And then these specimen of American culinary culture gone horribly awry walk out of the joint with these trash bags of extra food -- The Augie Doggie Bag -- and the sad, lone sister walks out last with this look of sheepish embarrassment.
So anyway, with the mood all set for you, I sat next to that family tonight. Not literally, of course. But figuratively, it was a man his 5 sons and a daughter and the oldest son ate -- I shit you not -- a double cheeseburger with most of the fries, a piece of salmon covered in the cream sauce, and a half of portion of past and meatballs. I was at Cheesecake Factory. That may not mean much to most of you, but to those of you who have been to a Cheesecake Factory near your hamlet you will know that they make an effort to put at least 48 ounces of food on each plate. It was appalling; this kid is going to die at the age of 22 because of overeating. Anyway, aside from the revolting amount of food that this kid ate (I will not begin to mention the way it wasn’t eaten, I am just not strong enough yet) he had this thing with his napkin that I found mildly vomit inducing. His napkin sat in the middle of the table. So, every time he wanted to wipe his mouth, he had to reach across the table to pick up his napkin. And one point he dropped a piece of cheeseburger in his water (or sprite) and just fished it out and kept eating and drinking. Honestly, it is the most disgusting thing I have ever witnessed.
If that kid is the future of America, we are all doomed.
posted by V. at 10:18 PM
2 Comments:
I am ... so ... glad ... my back was to that table. My stomach is not as strong as yours.
I am sorry you had such a bad experience....but you made me laugh...after I threw up!
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