Hoofin it through the snow.

Last night was weird. First of all, it was the most gorgeous day of the year in Providence. By that I mean; it was the prom queen of days, and not the prom queen that wins because she is the prettiest but then has the blackest soul and kicks puppies and thinks kittens are obnoxious: it was the prom queen that was really nice to everyone, who volunteered at the local Boys & Girls Club, kicked ass on the debate team, but was still a total knock out. You get the idea.

And I was stuck inside. Working. You know what is awesome about work? Not a damn thing. Which is why, when the sun went down and the rain started to fall and it turned to snow and I got to hoof it the mile and a half (Literally uphill) home, I had a little time to think about things.

So the snow is falling and the girls from the business/trade school here in town (the freshman) were running around dressed like fools. Just absolute fools. It was ridiculous, absolutely no clothing at all, all halter-tops and bustiers.

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Lately I have read a lot about the state of the American education system and I was thinking about how sad it is that apparently 20% of the US population is functionally illiterate. That is one in five. So if you compound that with another statistic I saw recently: if you are in a bar trying to pick people up you have one in five chance of picking up a person who is either illiterate or has an STD. To quote the old knight from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, "You must choose, but choose wisely."

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So the point of this entry today, is to do a mailbag. I get a lot of mail from my readers (lie) and they ask all kinds of crazy questions (LIE) so here is today's crazy reader mailbag (if I actually had one).

1. John D. -- Anywhere, US writes: Hey, V., how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Great one, John, and you came to the right place. A woodchuck is capable of chuck 9 cubic feet of wood per hour. so if you refine the question (or do some simple math on your own) we can come up with a better answer.

2. Jane D. -- Anyville, US writes: I don't understand March Madness. My boyfriend won't spend anytime with this month, can you explain it?
Yes, March Madness is basically the last hurrah for some of these kids, and it is, outside of the World Cup, the best sporting event on the planet. Having said all that, your boyfriend shouldn't ignore you and since I am not a basketball fan per se I would invite you to come to my house and hang out we can watch whatever you want.

3. Nicole -- Providence, RI writes: What are you thinking?
Sweetie, not much, but you should be used to it by now

4. C. Ronaldo -- Manchester, UK writes: Why is soccer a better sport than football?
Chris, thanks for writing in, here is the answer for all of the math majors. Statistically speaking soccer and football (American football that is) have exactly the same total goals scored in a game. The principal difference is that in AF they call each goal 6 points. But some fancy math will quickly show you that the average football game and the average soccer game end with a total of 5 goals per game (this stat is completely made up). Also in AF the "athletes" exert themselves for a total of 12 minutes in a 60 minute game. Surprised? Have you seen Ted Washington? Whereas in Soccer they exert themselves for a 45 minutes of a 90 minute game. Astounding isn't it?

5. V. -- Providence, RI writes: V. are you happy having completely fabricating a mailbag? Do you feel better now? Is this what you wanted?
Yes, Yes, Yes

Thanks folks this filled the 30 minutes that I needed to fill so that I could spend another gorgeous day inside. WOOT!