The elephant in the living room...
I was hanging out with some friends tonight and... Okay, let me back up a second.
Sorry to do this to you. I go back and forth on my feelings about children. Sometimes I think they are adorable and sometimes I think they are proof that we, as a species, will ultimately be judged as failures. Harsh I know but if you have waited tables and some kid snap at you over the top of his gameboy you know what I am talking about. Ill behaved children have the tendency to bring out the worst in me. I don't know why but they do. Let's move on.
So, I was hanging out with some friends and one of the people (not a friend of mine per se, but a friend of a friend) brought a baby with her. Cute kid too. Really happy, smiling, quiet, an exemplary baby; but at some point in the night the baby shit itself, it's a baby, they do that, I get it.
But the mother would not acknowledge it. She wouldn't say, oh gosh, little baby here just shit all over herself, excuse me will I change the diaper. She sat there, continued to chat and, hahaha, after about 20 minutes, or so, everybody in the room was sort of glancing around and exchanging looks with other people. As if to make sure we weren't crazy. If there were an unspoken dialogue it would have gone like this:
Okay, not my finest work, but you get the point. It was really funny, there were Spock-like raised eyebrows and we were all sitting there in disbelief. One of the funniest things ever. Okay that is a horrible lie, but given the day I had it was mildly amusing at just the right time.
But the whole situation reminded me of two things, the first was a Jerry Springer episode where a guy was going to tell his girlfriend that he had a little kid fetish, liked to pee and poop himself, wore a diaper and had a pacifier. It was pretty disturbing; but then it was Jerry Springer, I was in college and there is a 90% chance that I was skipping Modern Political Theory because I had the Balanchine Dancers rehearsing The Nutcracker Suite after drinking a case and a half of Natty Light (speaking of hobo balls).
The other thing it made me think of was the SNL skit about the Adult diapers, "Oops I crapped my pants". The tagline for the ad was "Because I am, and I just did." And when I was 20 I thought it was brilliant.
Sorry to do this to you. I go back and forth on my feelings about children. Sometimes I think they are adorable and sometimes I think they are proof that we, as a species, will ultimately be judged as failures. Harsh I know but if you have waited tables and some kid snap at you over the top of his gameboy you know what I am talking about. Ill behaved children have the tendency to bring out the worst in me. I don't know why but they do. Let's move on.
So, I was hanging out with some friends and one of the people (not a friend of mine per se, but a friend of a friend) brought a baby with her. Cute kid too. Really happy, smiling, quiet, an exemplary baby; but at some point in the night the baby shit itself, it's a baby, they do that, I get it.
But the mother would not acknowledge it. She wouldn't say, oh gosh, little baby here just shit all over herself, excuse me will I change the diaper. She sat there, continued to chat and, hahaha, after about 20 minutes, or so, everybody in the room was sort of glancing around and exchanging looks with other people. As if to make sure we weren't crazy. If there were an unspoken dialogue it would have gone like this:
Scene I
A standard suburban living room, nothing too fancy. A Pier1 Shanghai Entertainment Center sits off to the corner of the room. 12 people are sitting around a Pier1 Hainen Coffee Table. The mood is jovial. But there is a newfound palpable discord in the room.
Person 1: OH MY GOD THAT BABY DID JUST SHIT ITSELF DIDN'T IT?
Person 2: Holy Crap, LITERALLY. That baby just shit itself, I can't be making this up am I the only one that is smelling this?
Person 3: (Looking at person 2) DUDE! You are not crazy, that baby totally dropped a deuce in its pants.
Person 4: Aren't babies wonderful, they are like literally reminders that life is happy when it is kept simple.
Person 5: I can't believe that baby gets to shit itself and nobody says anything. If I shit myself, they would tell me to go home, and then make fun of me.
Person 6: This is why I hate babies.
Person 7: Man, they weren't kidding this wine does taste like Hobo Balls.
Person 8: I wish I could shit myself right now. (Makes a grunting face)
Person 9: I have to go to the bathroom; I think I just shit myself.
Person 10: Why is Person 8 grunting, don't they know that the baby is the one that shit?
Person 11: (oblivious to the surrounding) I love my baby so much, she is adorable, and everything she does is perfect. Ahh look at that she has water in her eyes.
Person 12: (eyes watering) WOW! What is that lady feeding her kid?
(Lights)
Okay, not my finest work, but you get the point. It was really funny, there were Spock-like raised eyebrows and we were all sitting there in disbelief. One of the funniest things ever. Okay that is a horrible lie, but given the day I had it was mildly amusing at just the right time.
But the whole situation reminded me of two things, the first was a Jerry Springer episode where a guy was going to tell his girlfriend that he had a little kid fetish, liked to pee and poop himself, wore a diaper and had a pacifier. It was pretty disturbing; but then it was Jerry Springer, I was in college and there is a 90% chance that I was skipping Modern Political Theory because I had the Balanchine Dancers rehearsing The Nutcracker Suite after drinking a case and a half of Natty Light (speaking of hobo balls).
The other thing it made me think of was the SNL skit about the Adult diapers, "Oops I crapped my pants". The tagline for the ad was "Because I am, and I just did." And when I was 20 I thought it was brilliant.
posted by V. at 10:08 PM
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